What I want for my children.
Posted: 09.10.11 Filed under: Personal 5 Comments »
Who's that little foodie chowing down on a red delicious? It's ME!
Today, I was reading a very excellent post that made me a little verklempt and restored some of my wavering faith in humanity. (Incidentally, I read another post yesterday that both damaged and bolstered my faith in humanity at the same time. Rational conclusion: most people are pretty cool, but some people are dicks, and some people are soulless* dicks.) The post I was reading today was about a 12-year-old boy who wanted, for his birthday, to curate an art show with an anti-bullying theme. The boy happened to have been diagnosed with autism at a young age, but it’s barely mentioned in the story; I actually think it’s because what he’s doing is cool for any kid, much less one who was diagnosed with a disability. What I love about this kid is not only his passion for art but also his ability to connect with so many people, which comes from a place of genuine love and excitement and not from a smarmy facade of Networking 101. When I was reading this, I thought, if my kids turn out half as cool as this kid, I will have done my job right.
*By soulless, I of course don’t mean in a religious sense, but a secular sense.
That got me thinking about what I want for my children. Every mother who is in her right mind wants her children to have it better than she had it; a lot of people, I think, equate this to money and lifestyle, but as far as that goes, I really only want to make sure my kids have security and stability, and that we have the ability to provide an environment where they can flourish. What I want to be better for my kids is not circumstantial but emotional; I want my kids to emerge from their cocoons without shadows on their hearts, without emotional wounds that never quite heal. I want my children never to be afraid of life–or afraid of me, for that matter, or their dad. I want them to know it’s okay to feel anything, and everything, and that I’m going to be there all the time to go through it with them. I want them never to have to suffer in silence, alone. I think this is why parenting sometimes terrifies me; being a couple of neurotics, can Mr. Geek and I raise children without passing this on to them, even accidentally? The last thing I want for my kids is to be where I am now: almost 30 years old and realizing that the clock just keeps ticking by, and that there’s no chance to reclaim a misspent youth. While I recognize I still have a lot of time to go forward however I want, that time is still gone, forever–dissolved into the boundless annals of history.
I'm the short one.
I wonder, frankly, if I have the social ability to impart the kind of love on my children that I would feel for them. This morning, I had planned to write another blog about how fail my social abilities are (yeah, another one–still gonna write it, too, so you’re in for a treat!), and I really wonder exactly how far that extends, and what kind of parent I will be with my crippling lack of social skills. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve seen a friend of mine in person? I literally go months sometimes without seeing anybody but my husband and strangers (at the gym or the store, et cetera); I’m sure I haven’t seen anybody since Melanie moved to New York. How will this affect my kids? I don’t know. I honestly couldn’t even tell you what my social problems truly are. If anybody wants to chime in on what you think my specific issues might be, I’m all ears eyes. Just be kind. I’m feeling very emotional today. It’s one of those days where you cry at commercials.
I cant erase your worries for your parenting skils in the future – it’s like anything else, you can imagine it, and maybe imagine it well, but the reality is very….well, real compared to imagining. plus, I know you.
what I can tell you is that you will have strengths you would have never thought possible for your kids. you already have strengths you don’t recognise…I see it in you every day..but the doubts you mention here would blow away. I’m not saying you wont worry…you’ll always do that…but what you cant do for yourself you will always, always, always be able to do for your kids. you & mr geek both will imprint on your children – they will get your bad habits, they’ll get your good habits, maybe not many, maybe all of them. but your acknowledgment of what kids and families truly need has already set their path for handling whoever they become.
I agree (and miss you here in NY!) that you already have strengths you don’t realize. I’ve seen you be incredibly social – and I don’t think you’re as socially awkward as you think you are (to an extant, most people I know are socially awkward, so there are a host of people who think they’re socially awkward that you could fraternize with, hehe). I say this because it is extremely important to socialize children, and as a parent to be social with other parents, and to have an “adult” social life as well. And because I know, have witnessed, you be stellar in social situations, perhaps my only suggestion would be to take the risk and put yourself out there. Humans live in a face-to-face social world.
Every time I meet a new person, I worry excessively about how we’ll get on. I was treated for social anxiety for years. But to fully flourish and bloom, I HAVE to force myself to be social. It may not seem like I have social anxiety, but that’s because I’m mindful every waking moment of the day, that there’s nothing wrong with me socially – and I force myself to be social 90% of the time when I don’t want to. When I was a teenager I refused to even go ask the customer service dude in the mall for change for a dollar for fear of looking “stupid” and being judged (what the fuck, I know). I chose not asking for change over getting whatever it was that I wanted that we needed change for. And that’s just not cool at all, because that means my irrational fears won. And even if they were rational fears – who fucking cares? So the mall customer service dude thinks I’m a douche – so what? He’s the mall customer service dude.
But, back to the point. You have the ability. You’re beautiful and wonderful, and not any more socially awkward than anyone else I know. I think part of this all is manifest destiny, and a fixation on the belief that you ARE socially awkward. And even if you are, and ESPECIALLY because you believe that you are… such a problem can only be remedied though practice interacting with people. So you fall on your face a couple times – or think you do – it happens to the best of us, and to all of us. And it doesn’t suck any more or less for anyone without social anxiety or any other possible condition preventing them from being fully self expressed in social situations. But being social is a risk that I believe is absolutely essential to bringing up happy, healthy children.
I believe in you. And love you. And I know you can do it. Tell fear, FUCK YOU. And go shine.
xoxo
Dear Geek Girl,
having had my first child a year ago, right before my 30th birthday, I can certainly relate to what is written here. From the looks of your other blogs, we just might have a few other things in common too. I would say be encouraged, but I know that that is something that has to happen naturally – that a stranger can’t simply type the words and it be so. So do that, I will not. Instead I would encourage you to check out a couple of my posts at room1116.wordpress.com if you are interested (specifically – Thoughts on Doing It & and put it in a bottle I would). At the very least, if you are anything like me, you may end up feeling a wee bit better knowing that others in your universe feel very much the same at times- full of doubt and uncertainty and happiness too. I am discovering that they can and do exist for us, all at the same time.
Happy writing, reading, and being.
Q
Thanks for reading and for your comments :)
Sorry this is so late, but I have only just read your post and was really moved.
I have always been extremely socially inept – to me a party is the stuff nightmares are made of. I struggled to make friends when I was a child – I normally only had one at a time, and invariably they bullied me terribly. For many years I struggled to find my place in the world. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, or that I was important. I hated every single day of school. I hated working. I have always struggled to show affection, even with family and close friends.
I didn’t have children until I was in my 30′s but, as soon as I did, everything changed. I suddenly felt so important and worthwhile. I no longer cared about “fitting in”, being judged, or making friends. I am a mother of 2 boys and for the first time I feel that I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. We live in quite an isolated place, a tiny coastal village in South Africa, and I haven’t made any friends in the 15 years I’ve been here as I seem to find it more difficult the older I get (I still have friends in Johannesburg and various other places in the world – yay Facebook!). The only real conversations I have are with my husband, my sister-in-law (who lives about 45 minutes away) and facebook friends.
I homeschool our children for various reasons, but especially because: our schools are full of religious nuttery; there are far too many children in each class; I honestly believe I’ll do a better job educating them; my 7 year old seems to have adhd and just wouldn’t be able to function in a classroom environment.
One would think that with a socially dysfunctional mother and very little interaction with other children my sons would be socially awkward too. Not at all! They make friends (albeit temporary ones) everywhere we go. They strike up conversations with people regardless of age, race or gender. They are confident, charming and good conversationalists.
Having children has been so good for me. I can comfortably be physically affectionate for the first time in my life, which is so wonderful – I never knew! I can say “I love you” for the first time in my life and feel safe doing so. I have learned so much about myself and, through attempting to be the best mother in the known universe, feel like I’m negating the damage my own parents did with their bad parenting. I am a fantastic mother! I know this because I try really hard to be and because I see the results in my incredible children.
Don’t be put off having children because of your own childhood and experiences. As long as you are aware of your own shortcomings and try your best despite them, you will be fine! The
Being a mother is far from easy, but it is incredibly healing and rewarding. Your children will love you unconditionally, which is the biggest reward of all.